Saturday, November 12, 2005

Why I did poorly on the GRE subject test

A photodocumentation by Lena Webb

...I was registered to take the subject GREs in Biochemistry, Cell, and Molecular Biology on the 12th of November. How on earth was I supposed to "brush up" on over three years worth of scientific learning? 180 questions in 170 minutes? ONE-HUNDRED and EIGHTY?! There's no way I can study for this! No amount of time in the world could prepare me for this! I went to a small liberal arts college! I panicked, and did something I would regret later.

I hit on my text book. I totally did. Would it go for it? Would it take me up on my saucy offer of dinner and whatever...? Would sleeping with my text book REALLY magically implant all its knowledge in my brain, just like they tell you in middle school? I went for it.

Well, it turns out that it was totally down. It said it would go pick up some Smoking Loon merlot, and meet me back in my living room at 7:45.

Right on time. I was a little worried that the bottle of wine was already open, but I assumed my text book wanted to "let it breathe" like a true sommelier. It went wonderfully with our meal of snow crab and dill ravioli, with a side of spinach in a lemon-butter sauce. I encouraged the book to drink heavily.

After a few glasses I decided to pull the old Yawn n' Stretch. I had slipped a crushed tablet of xanax into the book's second glass, so I figured it would be tranquilized enough to submit.

Submit it did. After a few gentle and convincing kisses [fully documented below] the book was so ready to "learn me" of its contents.

Unfortunately, it was some of the worst sex I'd ever had.

When the book asked if I wanted to go again, I was like "piss off."

And today, November 12th, the subject GRE in Biochemistry, Cell, and Molecular Biology went very poorly for me. I've learned my lesson though. Instead of wasting lots of time studying, I should try to get to know the book better before I sleep with it.



Mackenzie said...

A text book took advantage of me once. It told me it loved me and like a fool I believed it. When I woke up in the morning it was gone and all I had to remember our passion-filled evening was a piece of page 243. Acid-base titrations? I'll never love again...sigh...

Shanks said...

Clearly the problem was not with you, byt rather an inferior text book. If you had chosen the right text book, he could have kept you up all night luxuriating and tantalizing you with the splendor of his loving and informative pages. Not only could a prorper textbook have given you an evening to remember, he could have also transmitted enough knowledge in one night to have allowed you to pass the test with flying colors. In the future, I'd suggest using a textbook with a wider and stiffer spine. That's the key to both satisfying and successful studying (or so I hear).

barnyard said...

we're all avoiding the real subject. bottom picture. nice nip lena.

as per qua, i enjoyed your evening i ate subway last night with steve d.

pictures have been sold to

Lena Webb said...

I knew I could count on you, Barn.

Lena Webb said...

Also, I have TWO nice nips.

Additionally, update your damned shit-fest of a blog!