Saturday, August 04, 2007

Cranky reflections on "Sunshine"

Directors, producers, astronauts: that's the Sun. Don't try to go near it or land on it, or make another movie about either of those two things.

But if you really have to, then you need to make sure everyone acts as though they are about to die at all times. A sheen of I-Can't-Believe-it's-not-Butter spray on their faces isn't going to cut it-- especially not after they dart out into Space for a mo, wrapped only in some Pink Panther insulation. I think someone in the movie even said "You can't go out there, it's -273 degrees Celsius!" However, it seems that what is physically unattainable can't hurt you any more than getting drunk and passing out ice-fishing in Canada can. The tinfoil-swathed crew member that made it back to the safety of the airlock sustained only a mildly frostbitten thumb. For having spent more than 10 seconds at the temperature at which atoms and their components purportedly cease to move, I'd say things went pretty well. To quote Lord Kelvin, "whatevs!"

If you hadn't already guessed, today I saw the movie "Sunshine" as part of the Lena's Solitary Summer Saturdays Series. I thought it would be a fun thing to do on a 95 degree day, and someone had also recommended that I go see it. So I walked down the poorly-shaded street at 1:30 prepared to experience psychological cooling by way of cinematic astronaut charring. Two hours later I left feeling cranky and jaded-- and I continue to sweat.

But it's as silly and unproductive as the movie itself to rant about the moments that not only required that I suspend my disbelief but that I also set its dangling body on fire, so I'll end with a list of pithy observations.

1. The sleaziness of Cillian Murphy's hair is directly proportional to its distance from the Sun. Evidence: his weird little ponytail becomes increasingly obvious.

2. The rapidity with with the Sun burns you is inversely proportional to your distance from it. Evidence: en route to the Sun, crew members are charred to ash within seconds of Sun exposure but when Cillian and Rose and the Insane Guy are plummeting through the Sun to its core, there is only some sweat. And when Cillian is confronted with the Actual Core of the Sun, he is able to stretch out his hand and watch it become slightly discolored/burnt before being consumed.

3. The best sex you will never have is analogous to plummeting into the core of the Sun. Evidence: Rose Byrne stays alive until the end, which allows both her and Cillian to writhe separately on the floor of the spacecraft and moan.

4. In the event of another Ice Age, children will still make snowmen.

5. Going to the Sun is always a bad idea and everything will go wrong and you will die.

8 comments:

Pearl said...

Maybe we should also netflix The Core. I think you would love what the inside of the earth looks like.

Mackenzie said...

watching this when it's 95 degrees outside sounds like the sort of thing that would make me incredibly cranky. though, there aren't many things I can do when it's 95 degrees that don't.

jenovus said...

Lena's Summer Sibilance Series

Texwaiian said...

This is the first negative review that makes me want to see this movie right now.

jenovus said...

Also, I am insulted by their ignorance of outer-space background radiation! It is only about -270 degrees Celsius out there, Movie Astronaut. Perhaps you should go back to Movie Astronautics School.

jenovus said...

(I am insulted by many elements of this movie, but that is the most obvious target for my indignance.)

MertMengelmier said...

My favorite thing about the movie: all the asians die early. Just kidding. This movie sucked, I felt like Event Horizon shitted out a film, and that film was this. Good sentence.

Kene said...

yes lena please listen to pearl and watch the core!!!! ha ha ha its so bad its funny