Sunday, June 25, 2006

Colbert Returns?

Why was this casting call so universally overlooked? Someone please tell me.

Stephen Colbert is hot, plain and simple. Who needs kryptonite when you can do that thing with your eyebrow? I can see a bullet racing straight for Colbert's eye and at the last moment his eyebrow shoots upwards and the bullet EXPLODES! Yes.

Playing the role of Superman would also really help diversify and maturate Colbert's acting career. So far, we know him as that delightfully sarcastic fake news anchor and, uh, Darren in the modern movie based on the sitcom "Bewitched". Is Colbert incapable of seriousness? Could he really represent the Zeus of all Superheros?
Yeah he could.

Also, while simultaneously pondering these Superman-related questions and searching Google images, I came to a second definitive conclusion-- there should, by all means, be a movie entirely about Clark Kent. The movie should be called "Clark Kent". He's just as exciting as Superman, really.
He runs this way.
He runs that way.

And he's an excellent journalist! The grit! The reality! The glasses...

Do we really get a good idea of what sort of psychological turmoil Clark Kent must be going through having to transform his entire being into an immortal man capable of flight? How does it feel to know that everyone likes your muscular bespandex'd self infinitely more than your still really attractive, intellectual, well-spoken and bespectacl'd self? I've seen movies about far stupider things, that's for sure.

Like "Mulholland Drive".

"Clark Kent" would be a dark movie for sure. A film noir open work, rich in textural density, it would invite multiple readings, reward repeated viewings, and contain frequent allusions to itself and countless other classics of cinema. It would be a puzzle-box of a movie, one that presents hallucination and reality as equal and indistinguishable partners. Saturated with erotic colors and dark with oblique menace, the film would glide through a dreamy landscape where the hyper-real is in constant collision with the fantastic. Identities shift and merge, false trails are projected and abandoned, and the viewer's perception is always hostage to the illusions of the characters.

So basically, "Mulholland Drive". But starring Stephen Colbert.

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