The Year in Review: 2005

Ah, 2005... It was the year of, uhh...

Well, I'm sure we all have our own little milestones and memories that come to mind when each of us reflects on the year 2005. Some of mine, for example, are: learning that everything is surrounded by a Gaussian surface, graduating, moving to Atlanta, and becoming an alcoholic.

But I think it's important that we, this Dec. 31st, repress our personal memories for a while and reflect globally. That's right-- let's think about the globe. I'd suggest we think universally, but since the known universe is about 156 billion light years in diameter [and expanding!] things might get annoying. And besides, who cares what happened on some rip-off planet in the Andromeda Galaxy anyway?

Some things that happened right here on Earth in the year 2005 are:

January 2005- Spanish neuroscientists trained rats to distinguish between Dutch and Japanese speech. This will be extremely handy for Spain when rats are trained to deliver secret messages to its allied soldiers in Holland during the Japanese-Spanish war of 2890. Also, Johnny Carson died.

February 2005- The Kyoto Protocol, an international agreement addressing global warming, came into effect. Ironically, in November, Himalayan lakes began to burst after being filled to capacity with water from RAPIDLY-MELTING GLACIERS. Sadly, Hunter S. Thompson died and Dan Marino was inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

March 2005- A 25 year old paralyzed man became the first person known to have a microchip implanted into his brain which can "read" thoughts. He is able to "think" his TV on and off, change channels and alter the volume with the technology and software linked to devices in his home. I bet while he's watching his 2983rd episode of Law and Order: Criminal Intent he's wishing that they'd hooked his thought-translator up to some devices on his arms or legs instead of his TV. Additionally, Terri Schiavo died-- I bet she would have liked a thought-translator.

April 2005- Peter Jennings gave his last news broadcast and the International Union for Conservation of Nature and Natural Resources announced that one-in-four of the 625 primate species and subspecies are at risk of extinction.

May 2005- In Bangkok, Thailand, the Canadian contestant Natalie Glebova was crowned Miss Universe 2005. This confused a lot of people and probably pissed off a lot of hot organisms living within the Andromeda Galaxy. Also, the death toll of the bird flu in Vietnam rose to 18 and people started to freak out.

June 2005- A report by the Metropolitan Police stated that children are being trafficked into the UK from Africa to be used as "human sacrifices" and Walmart heir John T. Walton died when his ultra-light plane crashed right after taking off in Jackson, Wyoming.

July 2005- Atkins Nutritionals, Inc., a company founded by the late diet guru Robert Atkins to promote low-carb products, entered chapter 11 due to a loss of public interest-- and Luther Vandross died.

August 2005- Hurricane Katrina reaches category 5 status, and Lena Baker [1901-1945] was pardoned by the Georgia State Board of Paroles 60 years after being convicted of murder by an all-white-all-male jury and executed. Go Georgia!

September 2005- Regarding hurricane Katrina, President Bush in an early morning interview with ABC's Diane Sawyer at the White House said: "I fully understand people wanting things to have happened yesterday" and the oil-rich nation of Qatar has offered the United States $100 million to assist in the humanitarian crisis, leading US citizens to think "Ohhh Yeah! Where the heck is that again?"

October 2005- Scientists published the first results of studies on the re-created live Spanish flu virus, produced and stored at a lab of the CDC. Smallpox remains eradicated and consequently really boring.

November 2005- Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf won the Liberian presidential runoff, defeating George Weah and became the first-ever female president on the continent of Africa.

December 2005- President Bush admitted that the decision to invade Iraq in 2003 was the result of faulty intelligence, and accepts responsibility for that decision. He maintains that his decision was still justified. Because he's an idiot.

HAPPY NEW YEAR! I hope 2006 is better.