Sunday, October 09, 2005

#1 Most Cinematic Bath

And when I say "cinematic" I don't mean to imply that it was stunning. In fact, the whole thing was more unpleasant than anything else.

After weeks of pouring over the internet in an attempt to determine, once and for all, whether or not I will in fact be drug-tested by the CDC, I came to the conclusion that I definitely won't be. In order to celebrate, and perhaps for the very reason I spent so long making sure in the first place, I decided to enjoy one of my favorite things-- having a smoke in the bath tub.

My bathroom is undergoing some "renovations" and the holes that they've [crudely] drilled into my ceiling have been leaking. The ceiling also leaks along ominous cracks and some drips are rusty orange while others are not. There are currently five random pots, pans, and mugs placed under the holes and they all make sketchy sounding noises all day and night. However, I was undaunted by all this with the prospect of a bath in front of me. I started to fill my classy "quadruped" bath tub and left the room to find a clean towel and my smoking device. The bath tub filled really quickly and it was nearly full by the time I returned, and to my disappointment the water was VERY SLIGHTLY brown. In the environment of my drippy, musty bathroom, however, it looked kind of gross. I refused to drain it and got in, convincing myself that it wasn't SO BAD.

I smoked my bowl and settled in for a good soak. At the angle of relaxation I was able to observe a mineral sheen on the surface of the water. Like an oil slick, it coated the dirty water. I also noticed that the water seemed to getting darker and I wasn't THAT dirty. It turns out one of the rusty leaks was creeping down a pipe and getting into my bath water. So I'm sitting in a filthy bathroom with dripping holes in the ceiling, stoned, with rusty water leaking into my bath tub.

So where was the giant rusty robotic spider, and where was the tense orchestral piece to accompany its descent behind the shower curtain? What about the classic murderer? Why wasn't I shooting smack and shaking instead? I wasn't even crying silently and thumbing a BIC razor contemplatively. The bath was definitely cinematic, but it could have been a lot more riveting. And no one was paying me to sit in dirty bath water, or waiting with a mug of tea and a warm towel either. I will not get an Oscar.

I guess I'll go have some Ramen in my bathrobe now.

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