I'll take "Jeopardy" for $14.95, Alex.

After a long and difficult day of convincing myself that my ancient stove has a gas leak and that I have nearly all of the symptoms of carbon monoxide poisoning, I really just wanted to watch some quality television. I did as I usually do, which is to watch the News Hour with Jim Lehrer before switching it to ABC for Jeopardy. With my dinner on my lap, I waited eagerly to hear that swishy noise that precedes Johnny Carson's announcement that "This.... IS..... JEOPARDY!"

But NO! Wheel of Fortune's retarded theme song came blasting on instead! I panicked, went to the channel channel, and found that there IS no Jeopardy in Atlanta! These people have really gone too far. Does this mean that Ken Jennings is just a myth to Southerners? He's just some guy that "did real good on that quiz show?" Worse yet, am I really going to be spending a year in the presence of people that are TOO STUPID to play along with Jeopardy? Would they really rather watch "Everybody Loves Raymond?"

After that little disappointment I was left, yet again, glaring at no one in particularly and loathing the South and its people. My landlords seem to be perfect representations of this type of people, and I'm looking forward to the day when my only interaction with them will be to put my rent check in their sleazy mailbox. Just this morning, Mrs. Landlord came over to [finally] start building my kitchen cabinets and acted all frazzled and stressed out because some other poor sap is moving in upstairs tomorrow. I asked her about the new tenant, and her whole mood changed when she was able to gleefully disclose the information that "he has a custom Porsche and a Ferrari!" So the FUCK what?! There's no room to PARK them in this godforsaken place, unless they tell me I'm going to have to park my Honda in my little screened-in porch [which I could see them doing]. She also felt the need to tell me that the tenant is British and he "has a lot of tools." The little whore is probably hoping he'll do all the maintenance for everyone for FREE.

If I ever get that obsessed with money, no one will have to let me know because my lack of FRIENDS should be a pretty clear indication of my priorities.